I'm Back

I haven't written in a long time.  I believe it was in 2018 and my hair was still mostly brown.  Ok, it was dyed as I was probably already grey at that time. Now I have a "crown of silver" as Liz Curtis Higgs would say.

There are many reasons why I stopped writing. One was pride. Was anyone actually reading? Did anyone care what a mom had to say? Did I even have a platform or a thought that would go viral? Why didn't I go viral? Why didn't people like me? I know, I know, blogging should never have been about that, but that is what happened. Remember the "Relevant" conference for bloggers? 

Another reason was that was about the time I started to descend into a deep fog of faith. I had just come off being in council of our church as an Elder and had to deal with a deep break in the church that affected me.  I lost friends and the respect of many others for decisions that I had to make.  I live by those decisions. If I could go back would I make the same ones?  I don't know.  I know I would have handled it differently.  It is true that hindsight is always 20/20.  I repent deeply for some of my actions that hurt others and that I cannot take back.

You could say I was burnt out and broken.  As a result, I just went through the motions with my faith. I stopped reading. While I did read but I read Fanfiction. Please don't ask and I won't have to tell you. However, some of the best YA authors have started with Fanfiction. Just saying it's not all 50 Shades of Grey. My prayer life slipped and slid further and further down a deep well I tried to climb out.  I tried everything.  Read deep theology books.  Went to conferences. Went to Church. Led Ladies Bible Study and yet, I felt lost and alone.  I was frankly a fraud. I was depressed and the more I tried, the more I lost myself. 

Then Covid hit! In full disclosure can I tell you that I didn't think Covid was anything to be worried about in the beginning.  I actually mocked people who were in Costco stock piling while I was just trying to get my weekly queso stash. I remember singing up and down the aisles the little ditty by REM - "It's the End of the World as We Know It!"  Most people gave me dirty looks, however, 1 guy in a mask was laughing.  I was fine for at least 2 weeks.  I was shocked that I now had to school my kids but overall I was ok...until I wasn't.

About 3 weeks in I started having hot flashes and a weird nasal drip. I was sure I had Covid (this thought continued for 18 months). However it would turn out later to be early stages of perimenopause (so happy it started at the beginning of a pandemic). I then started to get anxious. There were a few days that I couldn't get out of bed.  It felt like someone put a log on my chest.  I ended up in a ziploc room at our local urgent care centre and was told I was having an anxiety attack (Yay me!). I then spent months with severe anxiety around Covid.  So much so, that I couldn't go to the grocery store, church or be around people that didn't live in my home.  I washed groceries for a good year.  I even wiped down our fast food orders. That is how anxious I was. 

I didn't know what to do.  Well I did. I had to turn to God to get me through this. I immediately decided to read the Bible in 90 days. Something I had done before. I opened up my Youversion App and started reading.  The weight lifted off my chest.  It was like God telling me He was in control and I was not (oh but I wanted to be).  I then started listening to podcasts that I thought would be interesting. One seemed to pop up at the perfect time - Aaron Neiquist's The Eternal Current. I listened to the first episode and immediately decided I needed to read this book.  I devoured it like on water in the desert. It spoke to my soul about what I was going through. I then opened up my Common Prayer App by Red Letter Christians and started using it for prayer.  God used these 3 things to heal my soul. To help me out of the fog that I had been living in.  

I then spent a few months deconstructing my faith.  I know people fear this concept but I embraced it.  I wasn't breaking my faith to cease belief.  God, through the Holy Spirit kept leading me to books, scriptures, speakers, etc to renew my faith.  I had to let go false teachings and old ideas to get to a place to renew my belief system.  Some may think I have become progressive or dare I say liberal.  I recently heard a quote by Ann Voskamp who said" I am too liberal for my conservative friends and too conservative for my liberal friends."  This is where my faith has brought me.  Right to the centre. I have been listening to people and ideas on both sides and growing in learning to love and forgive not just others, but myself.  

This is still a process. I can't wait to share with you where this journey is taking me to. I will try to write at least two times a week.  Sharing my pain, struggles, wins, and faith story.  I hope you join me.  "We're in for a bumpy ride!"*

*brownie points if you know who said this and where